Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Pesky question

I’ve been in a bit of a funk since last week, when, as you may have guessed, we didn’t get the house. Someone was willing to pay a lot more than we were, plan and simple. I am very disappointed to not have that problem neatly wrapped up! (Obviously, I’m also disappointed not to be living in a great house with my friends with more friends across the street. That goes without saying.) Since we leave in two months to go to Santa Fe, I think the house hunt is on hold until the fall. Kind of depressing, while at the same time a relief. One less thing to worry about, but at the same time, I think I’m dealing with that pesky question that pops up from time to time: how does this crazy career fit into my life?

In the same calendar year I (we) plan to buy a house AND spend three months temporarily living in a different state. Does that make any sense at all?! No, not really. And then the stress of house-hunting and car thefts and making dinner and doing laundry gets in the way of learning music for concerts that are rapidly approaching. Add to that mix my darling little dog who is training me for the day I have a three-year-old following me around the house saying “Play with me!” I get a bit freaked out; I wonder if I can do it all.

I guess any self-employed person faces the same challenges. I can’t just go to an office for 8 hours a day and deal with the rest of life on evenings and weekends. (Yes, I know “real” jobs aren’t so easily boxed up like that, but humor me.) That is something that I treasure about my job - the flexibility. I can give a concert on a Sunday night, drink two glasses of wine, and sleep until 10am. But that same flexibility can bite me in the butt when I have so many opportunities to procrastinate.

Maybe I feel like I’m still a student, and that all my musical pursuits are still small potatoes. That somehow the To Do List in my non-musical life is more important than my musical one. I don’t think I’ve fully realized that I have taken a big step recently, with an international concert booked for next year (I still haven’t written about that… soon.), offers from established singers to help get me in with bigger companies, and a New York debut next month. I am a professional singer! Maybe I’m in denial…

I think I’m just scared that all of my dreams won’t come true. Or that I will do something that causes a dream to not come true. I know that no one gets all of their dreams, I just want to get as many as I can. I mean, I have so many dreams already, why stop now?

Off to bed, and on to a more productive day tomorrow.

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